How to pick up a Hipster...

Everyone knows hipsters and scenesters are the coolest people in the world. You can tell by their casual, sarcastic, too-good-for-the-world attitude, smoking of cigarettes, and use of such words as "pedantic," "saccharine," and "esoteric." You can tell by their unkempt yet stylish haircuts and the fact that they're wearing ridiculous "ironic" clothes (because they JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK). They are true paragons of post modernism incarnate. So how is it possible to capture the fairest of the fairer sex, especially when they're fully aware of their perfection? Simple:

1. Be drinking a PBR. Maybe through a straw. Definitely out of a can.

2. Slap bracelet?

3. You see a hipster chick at a bar/show/poetry reading. You think "hey, she's hot, and probably smart, seeing as she obviously knows something I don't." You can't go through the normal avenues of buying her a drink and introducing yourself because they're too cliche. So here's what you do: stare at her dramatically until she catches you. When she snags your gaze, and this is important, you MUST keep staring.

Resist every impulse to look away. The longer you give her the I-want-to-fuck-you-profoundly eyes, the better.

4. After the staring contest has been evaluated as meaningful, approach the hipster, if she doesn't do so first. If she looks away bashfully or doesn't react well to the staring, she's a poser or your clothes aren't tight enough, and you should start staring at someone else. Anyway, when you start talking to her, don't introduce yourself normally. Don't mention your name or ask for hers. Ask her a cooly-delivered, vague, sweeping question like "so, what's your story?" or say something deep and art school-ish like "when you looked at me, I felt something." It's also important to act dumbfounded by her profound effect on you, like it was completely unexpected.

5. You should be in like sin by now, but don't blow it by making rookie mistakes. Inevitably, the subject of music will come up. If she mentions a band, DON'T EVER say you've never heard of them. It will be over if you do. Popular staple remarks such as "yeah, I like their earlier stuff," "I saw them last year at the Knitting Factory," or "they're good, but a little too inaccessible for my taste" always work. Advanced technique: It is a good idea to have HEARD the band, but to not necessarily like them. Always at least say "oh yeah I've heard of them, but I've never given them a good listen."
When it comes to mentioning bands, Joy Division, My Bloody Valentine, and Sonic Youth are always safe. Or, you can just bring up the latest Pitchfork Media Best New Music bands, but make sure you mention that they're overrated and that Pitchfork is ruining the independent music scene.

6. Warning: Similar conversations may arise about movies or books. Make sure you're in the know. If all else fails, make up examples from independent filmmakers or writers in obscure countries. Example: "Shards of Idealism" by Bruno Ralfoskowitz or "The Postmodern Fascination with Luxury" by Vaclav Isokotz. I just made that shit up off the top of my head. Oh yeah, and say postmodern a lot. And talk about your cat, whether or not you have one.

7. Profit (sexually).

Pointers:
1. Myspace. Just myspace.
2. never use capital letters. this conveys apathy.

Its that easy. Although hipsters like to bask in their individualism, they're no more unique than anyone else. Just another of those anti-mainstream mainstreams. So no need to be intimidated.

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